*** I know how it feels to have to start again, there's no one to save me. I know what it is when the world is going to end, but you'll see, I'm gonna make a comeback. I'm going to dig six feet up tonight ***
One year ago today is when I realized my whole world was about to shatter. Everything I thought was unbreakable and solid turned out to be water, leaving me drowning in its wake. The person I spent my whole life loving stopped loving me back. I remember so clearly the day he told me he was never coming home again and how I spent the entire night crying on my bedroom floor. In that moment I was sure I would never be able to move from that spot. I was certain it was the saddest moment of my life. Of course that was until I found out two weeks later my husband had a new girlfriend. A cute young little thing, making me doubt everything about myself. I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't good enough, simply inadequate. I thought for sure things couldn't get any worse until I found out I was pregnant. After struggling with fertility issues for such a long time, having mixed emotions is an understatement. When I miscarried a few weeks later, alone, devastated, and completely heartbroken I knew I would never be the same. I've never experienced emotional pain like that and I pray I never do again.
To say the past year has been hell is putting it lightly. Losing the love of my life, my best friend, the person I counted on and thought would always be there for me was soul crushing. The anger, resentment, depression and unending sadness was overtaking me. Wanting to hold the hand of the person holding you down is such a mind fuck. My life was spiraling out of control. Missing someone who doesn't care about you is really hard. Realizing my husband probably never loved me is a really hard pill to swallow. When you find yourself in that kind of darkness it's very easy to get stuck there.
It would be easy for me to hold on to my anger especially since I've never received an apology but that's not me. I have forgiven Paul because he gave me many happy years. He gave me the opportunity to be a mother to an amazing boy, who is my entire world. He's given me many lessons, some good and some bad. He gave me an amazing wedding and some amazing memories. As I'm getting ready to move on to my next stage in life, I will look back on the past 14 years, not with regret but with extreme gratitude for my son and determination to never settle for anything less than I deserve. Sometimes things don't turn out the way you hoped they would and that's ok.
It's time for my comeback. It's time for me stand up and get my strength back. I have an amazing group of friends who I am so thankful for. I would never have made it through this without them. I thank God everyday for the blessings I have and I wish nothing but the best for the man I loved for so many years. I will always miss the person who was my best friend but in the end people aren't always who you think they are. I'm finally feeling strong again and I know my future is bright. It's only onwards and upwards for me from here!!
