My Comeback

*** I know how it feels to have to start again, there's no one to save me. I know what it is when the world is going to end, but you'll see, I'm gonna make a comeback. I'm going to dig six feet up tonight ***

One year ago today is when I realized my whole world was about to shatter. Everything I thought was unbreakable and solid turned out to be water, leaving me drowning in its wake.  The person I spent my whole life loving stopped loving me back. I remember so clearly the day he told me he was never coming home again and how I spent the entire night crying on my bedroom floor. In that moment I was sure I would never be able to move from that spot. I was certain it was the saddest moment of my life. Of course that was until I found out two weeks later my husband had a new girlfriend. A cute young little thing, making me doubt everything about myself. I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't good enough, simply inadequate. I thought for sure things couldn't get any worse until I found out I was pregnant. After struggling with fertility issues for such a long time, having mixed emotions is an understatement.  When I miscarried a few weeks later, alone, devastated, and completely heartbroken I knew I would never be the same.  I've never experienced emotional pain like that and I pray I never do again.

To say the past year has been hell is putting it lightly. Losing the love of my life, my best friend, the person I counted on and thought would always be there for me was soul crushing. The anger, resentment, depression and unending sadness was overtaking me.  Wanting to hold the hand of the person holding you down is such a mind fuck.  My life was spiraling out of control. Missing someone who doesn't care about you is really hard. Realizing my husband probably never loved me is a really hard pill to swallow.  When you find yourself in that kind of darkness it's very easy to get stuck there.

It would be easy for me to hold on to my anger especially since I've never received an apology but that's not me.  I have forgiven Paul because he gave me many happy years. He gave me the opportunity to be a mother to an amazing boy, who is my entire world.  He's given me many lessons, some good and some bad. He gave me an amazing wedding and some amazing memories. As I'm getting ready to move on to my next stage in life, I will look back on the past 14 years, not with regret but with extreme gratitude for my son and determination to never settle for anything less than I deserve. Sometimes things don't turn out the way you hoped they would and that's ok.

It's time for my comeback.  It's time for me stand up and get my strength back.  I have an amazing group of friends who I am so thankful for. I would never have made it through this without them. I thank God everyday for the blessings I have and I wish nothing but the best for the man I loved for so many years. I will always miss the person who was my best friend but in the end people aren't always who you think they are. I'm finally feeling strong again and I know my future is bright. It's only onwards and upwards for me from here!!

Day of Reckoning

Day Of Reckoning ~ A time when the consequences of a course of mistakes or misdeeds are felt ; retribution for one's actions.

I've learned a lot of things during my thirty one years on this planet.  One of the most important being how to control my emotions and keep my temper under control.  When I was younger, I was a bit hot-headed and impulsive.  I would allow my anger to control my words and actions before giving my brain a chance to consider the consequences.  I allowed other people's actions and words to catapult me into drama filled situations and arguments that were unnecessary and trivial.   This went on for a long time until it finally hit me that allowing myself to descend to such childish levels only reflected poorly upon myself and not those who instigated me to that point. 

At this point in my life I am much more in control of my emotions and reactions to situations I am presented.  I carefully contemplate my thoughts before I allow myself to react to things that upset or anger me.  I don't let myself take much notice to inconsequential people and the nonsense they bring along with them.  When people flash their ignorance brightly, especially with things pertaining to my family or me,  I try to not to engage but simply disregard.  There is one exception to this self imposed rule, when I see my family and/or closest friends being persecuted.  I will not stand by idly and remain silent, my protective instincts kick into gear and I will defend those I love infinitely.

Now to set a few things straight.  For everyone who likes to call out people on Facebook and comment about things they know nothing about, this is for you.  I try my hardest to remain virtuous, but I've reached my limit of hearing and reading distorted truths!!!!

My husband's mother has been a huge thorn in my side since I was nineteen years old.  Constantly starting drama, badmouthing me and her own son, negatively influencing her grandson and always stirring up the pot every chance she had.  This is not anything new, and has grown quite old over the past few years.  My husband and I have distanced ourselves from the chaotic lifestyle his mother leads.  Together we decided we did not want that kind of underhanded, callous and venomous presence in our lives. We put distance where distance was needed for our family to healthily thrive.  There were no theatrics involved, we simply told the truth and parted ways.  We've been dealing with constant bullying and harassment since.

My heart breaks for my husband who's own mother maliciously belittles and defames his character out of contempt.  She seizes every opportunity to speak poorly about her own son to anyone who will listen.  She has attempted on more than one occasion to cause trouble for him.  Her complains are unfounded, hostile and it seems her purpose is only to torment.  As a mother myself, I simply can NOT understand how any parent can treat their child like this.  As much as my son drives me crazy at times, I have and will ALWAYS stand beside him and guide him.  He has my unconditional love and support.  I would NEVER do or say the cruel, hurtful, wounding things that this woman has done to her own child.  It's completely incomprehensible!  There is NO justification in the world that would make her actions acceptable.

I've watched this woman post things publicly about how much she "misses her grandson" and have heard her say that my husband and I have "brainwashed" her grandson against her.  I laugh every time, as both of those couldn't be further from the truth. The truth of the matter is, she says those things to simply garner sympathy for her "victim" status.  She makes no attempts to visit with, speak to, or have a relationship with my son at all.  In the past, when we've entrusted our son in her care, she's encouraged him to lie to us and hide things from us.  She has no respect for my husband or I, (even refusing to acknowledge me as his mother) so therefore has no respect for the boundaries we set for our child. She's always been deceitful when it comes to our son and refuses to respect our wishes. In good conscience, can we be blamed for wanting to protect our child from that kind of nefarious influence?   My heart breaks for my son, who loves his mom-mom and wishes she could be a bigger part of our lives.  He is a teenager now, and has a good sense of what is going on around him.  My husband and I have ALWAYS shielded him from negative talk of anyone including her!  We want him to come to his own conclusions about people but we have faith he will see their true colors on his own. 

IN CONCLUSION

I've chosen to keep my disdain to myself until recent postings pushed me over the limit.  For Sue and her little minions who like to throw their two cents in publicly for all to see, let me put this in terms you can understand.  Posting drama on Facebook is fucking petty and childish.  You ALL seem to have the intellect of middle school students (that means you're all stupid).  You should keep your mouths shut especially when you are only listening to one side of a story.  Your opinion means nothing, to anyone, as YOU mean nothing either.  It's about time you all grow up and move on with your unfulfilled, meaningless lives and stop talking shit on Facebook, especially on a page where the one you are talking about cannot even defend themselves.  If you are one of these assholes who commented on the ridiculously lame Facebook post I am referring to, please feel free to come see me so we can talk about this further. 

Random Reflection

Best ~ Most Excellent --- Friend ~ Confidant, Companion

I've had the same "best friend" since I was 17 years old.  We met, couldn't stand each other for months, then one day ended up the best of friends in the world.  We did everything together, she took me into her home and tried to keep me from the reckless path that I was on at the time. She taught me so much, and became someone I could depend on to be there for me always!  She helped me become the person that I am today.  Over the years, our friendship has been unbreakable, but not without the occasional rift.  Life has taken us on different paths, and it feels like we've drifted from the place we once were. Over the past year, I've been sad about the state of our friendship.  I thought that I was losing my one and only "best friend". 

I've only ever had one "best friend" at a time.  How can you have more than one, when the "best" is clearly the "top spot".  You can't have two winners of a race, or two Super Bowl winners.  I've realized recently how silly that sounds! 

My friend Nicole and I have gotten closer over the past year to the point where I can't even imagine her not being in my life!  We work together, and have developed a bond so strong, that I'm sure it will last us a lifetime.  We laugh together everyday!!  We have the same weird sense of humor that make most people around us look at us like we are crazy!  We support each others choices and ambitions, and we encourage each other through life's tough times.  When she's hurting, I hurt for her, I wish I could take all the sadness away from her.    I know now that I can have more than one "best friend" and I'm proud to call her mine.  I've been so lucky in my life to be blessed with such amazing people! 

We are currently dieting together, which is definitely not the easiest thing for us!   I decided that it was time to make a change for myself by exercising and eating healthier.  I asked her to do it with me, as we could support and push each other to stick with it, and of course she said yes!  She's always there for me and I wrote this so she knows just how special and important she is to me!

The songs on my playlist on "repeat" this morning:  "The Girl" by City and Colour

Drunk on you ~ Luke Bryan:

And some random "funnies" 

That's all for today folks!!  Xoxo

~ Time still turns the pages of the book its burned ~

~ Hate to twist your mind ~

~ But God isn't on your side ~

~ An old acquaintance severed ~

~ You should have known the price of evil ~

~ And it hurts to know that you belong here ~

~ You're tragic fate is looking so clear ~

~ It's your fucking nightmare ~

******

*Nightmare by Avenged Sevenfold*

~~~~~ Vs ~~~~~

~ "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you ~

~ You would walk with me always" ~

~ "I've noticed that during my most trying periods in life ~

~ There have only been one set of footprints in the sand" ~

~ The Lord replied ~

~ "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints ~

~ That is when I carried you" ~

******

*Footprints in the sand poem*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From a very young age we are told that time is constant.  It never changes.  It is one of they only set things in life that you can always rely on. There will always be sixty seconds in a minute. There will always be sixty minutes in an hour. And there will always be twenty-four hours in a day.
Time does not fluctuate. It moves on at the same, constant pace at every moment in your life.

I couldn't disagree more.

Truth is, time does fluctuate. It's easy to lose hours or even days in a blink of an eye. Other times, it's a struggle to get through a mere hour.  Through the years, time has ebbed and flowed as relentlessly as the
tides, and just as powerfully too. The moments that you wanted to last forever were the ones that were washed away all too soon. The moments that you wanted to speed up, were slowed down to a snail’s pace.

Time ticks forward.  Through good and bad, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, but forward none the less.  You can allow yourself to get caught up in feelings of defeat or you can reach down deep and find the strength you need to pick yourself back up and stand. 

~Strength~ Such a simple word.  To be strong.  Why is it that it can seem impossible to find when you need it the most?

The trials and tribulations in life are a test of one's strength and endurance. You can't always control or predict the hardships that arise, however, you can decide to endure and overcome those situations.  In times of struggle your strength is tested, and you have two choices.  Choice one, you can throw your hands in the air and give up, letting the destruction take you down and keep you there.  That is the weak choice.  Choice two, you can accept that what's happened has happened and forge a plan to move forward, regardless of situation, failure not being an option.  That is the strong choice.  That, is MY choice!

Purpose Undefined

My mind was very erratic yesterday, thoughts swirling around a mile a minute, a bit jumbled up and fleeting. In a moment of supreme clarity, I realize there are things around me and within that need some tweaking.  

I have come to the conclusion that the majority of my "friendships" have no substance to them what-so-ever.  Apart from the two or three gems I've found along the way, the rest are inconsequential.  We share no common interests, hobbies or even principles and that is a problem for me.  I'm over the "some things never change, here we go again" ridiculousness of it all. There is a lyric that puts it into perspective for me and it's "keep on doing the same thing, and you're expecting change, is that really insanity, or just a losing game".  It's time to move on to bigger and better things.  Speaking with my best friend last night expressing these things to her for her to help me deal with my "crazy", she says "we don't really share the same interests".  I ponder this for a simple second and tell her "we're different", as cliche' as it sounds, she's my oldest and dearest friend and yet, despite not sharing many common interests, our souls just belong together.  That's a friendship with substance, one that can go long periods of time without speaking, yet when I'm feeling angry, down, sad, confused or happy it only takes a few minutes of conversation before the calm spreads and I realize that I'm a lucky girl.  It's time to start expanding my social circle to find other souls that my soul can't do without!  

For as long as I can remember I've always been passionate about music and writing.  Somewhere along the road, the writing fell off and I think it's time to get it back.  The music...it's tough to explain, there are those who get it and those that just don't.  The power of music rests in its ability to reach inside and touch the places where the deepest cuts lie.  A good song should move you to your core, change your mood, it should make you feel like you can fly, and every once in a while you will stumble upon a song that will change your life.  A new friend and I are planning a trip to go see some local bands play at a lounge or club, and I think it's just what I need!  I have put off a lot of the things I've always wanted to do, so it's about that time to step up and reclaim them. 

That's all for now, I shall leave you will a few of my favorite songs currently rotating on my playlist.  Definitely worth a listen!

"Dear God" ~ Avenged Sevenfold

"Cosmic Love" ~ Florence and The Machine

"Home" ~ Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros 

A Firefighter's Wife

HERO ~ A man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities ~

SACRIFICE ~ the surrender of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim ~

A typical Sunday night, lounging around watching Army Wives with my husband, only he's got his scanner turned up loudly and I can't hear my show!!  He says 22's are jobbin' as if that is going to make his scanner any less annoying.  He gets up and gets dressed to head to the firehouse because he thinks they will get called to help.  He gives me a kiss and heads out the door.  There is an apartment complex on fire with reports of screaming from inside.  It is when he leaves the house that my anxiety starts to slowly build.  I do some laundry, finish watching my shows, and then get a notification on my phone that they are responding to the fire.  The anxiety builds a little higher.  I start getting text messages from some friends who have heard about the fire asking me if I've heard about it and I tell them yes, my husband is there.  I putz around waiting to hear that my hubby is safe and sound and on his way home, but the call never comes.  I fall asleep sometime after 2:00 am, and when I wake in the morning, I am relieved to see he is sleeping like a baby!  Thank God.

I couldn't even begin to explain the calling my husband has for firefighting.  I would do it no justice, of this I am sure of.  I, myself, don't fully understand what makes a person want to run into a burning building, or what makes a person put their life on the line for a complete stranger.  

It is his job.  It is his passion.  It's in his blood.  

People constantly say "I don't know how you do it".  The worrying.  The time he is away from home.  The "up and leave" at any time of any day.  The danger. 

The answer is: He's my husband, so it's my job.  He's my passion, and  I fully support him.  

Being a Firefighter's wife isn't an easy job.  It requires selflessness, sacrifice, composure, tolerance, empathy and mercy.  It is a lot of time spent alone, a lot of rearranged plans, a lot of waiting around and a lot of apprehension.  It's a lot of navy blue T-shirts with fire department logos on them.  It's birthdays celebrated at the firehouse.  It's way too many conversations about accidents, hostage situations, brush fires, house fires, car fires and wires.  It's fun Superbowl parties, holiday parties with fireworks, and weddings filled with rowdy firefighters.  It's meeting friends you will have for a lifetime.  It's a shared bond. It's a lifestyle. 

My husband is a Volunteer Firefighter.  He is strong, courageous, fearless, brave, adventurous, dependable, and steadfast.  I am a Volunteer Firefighter's wife, and I fully support my husband, through the good times and bad because that is what I want to do.  

  

My Bridal Party

Incomparable ~ So outstanding as to be beyond comparison.

My bridal party consists of the most wonderful girls I have ever met!  I am beyond lucky to have them in my life and I am honored to have them participate in my wedding!  I'm going to pay homage to them in this post in no particular order.  Thank you girls for all of your help, love, encouragement and patience!  Xoxoxo

Sue ~ My Maid of Honor, my best friend in the world!!  There are hardly words to express how much she means to me!  I have been friends with Sue for eleven years and when we met, we disliked each other!  We both worked at Linens N Things and over time we developed a friendship that is unbreakable.  I told her of the troubles I was having at home and she offered her couch to me.  The next day I showed up at her door step with my laundry basket and the rest is history!  We have a million funny stories, inside jokes and memories that to most would not be funny, but to us are hilarious!  The day she asked me to be her daughters Godmother was one of the best days of my life!  The day in the delivery room as my Goddaughter was born, was one of the scariest days of my life!  Hahaha.  We have had our ups and downs over the course of our friendship, however, I know I can always count on her ear to listen and her shoulder to cry on if needed.  No one knows me better, no one loves me more, no one can replace her! 

Nicole ~ Girlfriend of Hadji.  I met Nicole through my friend Bill and we instantly became friends.  Nicole is one of the kindest people I know, she doesn't have a mean bone in her body!  We have a lot of fun together every week!  She created "Wedding Wednesday" for all things wedding related.  We share "TV Thursday" as well, where we watch Vampire Diaries and Jersey Shore.  Nicole and I disagree on most things, she is a Cowgirls fan and I am an Eagles fan, she loves Stefan and I love Damon, she hates Jersey Shore and I love it.  Despite our "bickering", she has become a wonderful friend to me and I appreciate the time she spends with me making me laugh!!  

Caitlyn ~ Oh my dearest Caite, where to begin.  When I first met Caite she was friends with my fiance.  I hated her.  No need to get into the past so we will fast forward a few years and now Caite is a very important part of my life!  We both matured a lot over time and grew a great friendship that we are both proud of!  Caite is one of the most generous people I have ever met!  She is ALWAYS trying to help me in some way, "let me get this for you" and "let me buy this for you" and she is always there if I need her (except for paranormal activity 2)!  All kidding aside, Caite has turned out to be an amazing friend and I am so thankful that we have the friendship we have now.  She is my fiance's best friend but she has become one of mine as well!  She is the easiest bridesmaid ever too!!!! 

Sharon ~ My future sister in law!  Sharon and I have really had our ups and downs over the past nine years!  We have gone from being close to hating each other and back!  It's been an interesting run with her, but she really is the most kind-hearted person I know!  Every time I have ever asked her for anything, she goes above and beyond for me!  She is very opinionated and I love that about her.  She has been wonderful helping me plan wedding stuff, making appointments for me and driving me an hour away to buy the dress of my dreams!  I will be proud to call her my sister!!  Sharon has been through a lot lately and my goal is to try to make her forget all of that bad and look towards all the good that this world has to offer her!

Chrystal ~  We have been friends the longest, since we were in high school!  We had some really fun times when we were younger.  Through the years life has taken us in different directions, but we still remained friends.  She just had her first baby, Gabriel who I am so excited to meet!  I know she is going to be the greatest mother!  I am honored she wants to take time out of her busy schedule to help me with my wedding!  Chrys is one of the funnest people I know, always there to cheer you up with a good laugh!  We have been through some interesting things growing up, and I'm so glad we have remained friends for all this time!!  

This is my bridal party and I could not be more honored that these amazing woman are going to stand by me on the most important day of my life!  Thanks girls, I love you all!!